I have this overwhelming desire to stay in bed this morning and not go to work. It pretty much happen almost everyday. The only difference is that I had more propensity to get up from bed early today because I don’t seem to get the proper attention I want from boyfriend lately. Thus, comes my drama – which I don’t intend to make. It just happens. Let’s just say I’m hypersensitive. I am too emotional. I want my daily doze of warm hugs and kisses every day. I get cranky if I get a little less than usual. Maybe because I never have real friends around here in Dubai nor does he. We are each other’s best friend which I thought was a pretty cool thing for couples. But then again, people say that in order for a relationship to be truly healthy, you need to be surrounded by plenty of great friends. You need to have a circle outside your relationship. And I think that is what is lacking in ours. We get less exposure to the world which limits our understanding of what really works and what doesn’t because we don’t have variety of resources to learn from. I think apart from our cultural differences and upbringing, it’s our isolation from the outside world that agitates our relationship. We need a breath of fresh air and a whole new perspective.
Anyway I completely understand that he’s been a bit stressed from work and applications lately. I know it’s not fair that I get to sit and exhaust the web all day while he has to do sales standing almost eight straight hours in an anti-cellphone environment. I don’t think I can function properly at work anymore without having the freedom to connect to the net anytime I want to. I will go insane without my phone. Having an entire work hours of surfing is a privilege and I couldn’t be more grateful these days that I have less work than when I started with this firm. I try what I can to lessen his anxieties and exhaustion from a non-rewarding day job that drains him badly. And whenever we fight, I give my fair share of owning up to my own imperfections. I try to be on my toes and be on my best behavior so we won’t end up growing the fire. I extinguish our heated argument and fog the smoke. It’s not easy but I try to manage. My girlfriend goal is to not anymore put up a fight and acknowledge my own flaws and dramas. I learned this from Jaby Koay (his favorite youtube host) which I will share to you on a separate blog. Whenever things are heating up. Just let it go.
So why am I writing this piece again? It’s because despite my adorable boyfriend’s efforts to indulge me, I still kinda feel bummed at times. I get this urge to go out of my zone in search for a feel good moment – under my own terms. I have this longing to be alone and pamper myself in so many different ways I can imagine. But I have Relationship Goals now. We have to save money and really tighten our ropes this time around. We’ve got tremendous plans that requires tremendous efforts. Sometimes I feel like I am being punished trying to convert myself from his religious saving regimen. Can I really bend my standards to align with his? I highly respect his practices. I highly respect him. I am blessed to have someone who has full authority over his expenses and does not break in easily with all the scrumptious meals in print ads and mesmerizing displays on the sidewalks. Why am I the only one drooling here? He’s human. I am not. I mutate whenever I see pretty things displayed on the glass window. I have a totally different baseline unit. I respond to signature items wildly. But I try as much as I can to be normal.
I miss Shopping. Clothes. Lots of clothes! Shoes. Variety of shoes. And then Jewelries. (I swear I am not much into these. Although I had a few charming necklaces back home. I don’t know what happened to me but all of a sudden I have developed an unexpected fascination with gold lately.) Had I not met my very economical boyfriend, I would’ve ended up spending some nice fortune on gold rings and necklaces. I have little exposure to golds when I was young. My mother used to have her own jewelry box with real gold stuff but it wasn’t something grand. Most of them she bought for herself and some were gifted to her. But gold was never really part of my family’s lifestyle. In fact there came a point when we have all forgotten we keep some. And then all of a sudden, India happened to me. I witnessed how Indian women can be really immersed in accessorizing themselves with real gold. Like you are not Indian if you’re not wearing a dozen. It’s a family tradition. It’s a lifestyle. It dictates status quo.
Since my boyfriend and I planned to get married in India (that was mostly the reason why we had that vacation anyway. Until the universe seemed to conspire to delay it) I have surprisingly became a recipient of plenty of gold items from earrings to necklaces and rings. I was overwhelmed and a bit reluctant to take so much from his family. I never asked for it nor reveled the idea that they will give something as concrete as gold. All I ever hoped for is to be welcomed by his family. And I got more that what I have asked for. They were all generous and supportive – including his closest friends and relatives. I couldn’t asked for better relationships than those I have acquired in India. All of them are genuinely nice and accepting. Golds and material possessions aside, I was so happy to have met this real gem of people.
So coming home from India to Dubai (which I confusingly called home now), I acquired that newly born enthrallment to all things gold. Like maybe, one or two gold rings of my choice would actually silence my inner hunger. Or maybe not.
More than gold and shopping spree, there’s something else I wanted so badly.
I want a bursting-with-bubbles and sparkling-wine-filled Staycation. I used to have countless days of leisure time back then. Movies and desserts come together while I surround myself with soft pillows and fresh from the laundry floral scented blanket. It was simple and not that extravagant. But I enjoyed it because I had the freedom to spend on anything that will make me feel good.
Having said this, I gathered all the delicious ways to celebrate my future staycation moment – which I believe with great amount of patience, perseverance and faith put on all our endeavors as a couple – that often times become questionable and awfully frustrating, will soon vegetate an overflowing harvest. I strongly believe that one day (not far from today) we will be able to afford the kind of lifestyle that would allow us to have impromptu bubble baths and a bottle of Merlot.