I’ve been MIA for almost a week now & even until now as I write this post, the tiny monsters inside me keep lambasting me to drop my writing weapon and just immerse myself to their dark, depressing and almost funereal soiree. Enjoy the show [I can hear them whisper]. They play the scenarios I created in my head of the complicated present and of the more frightening future. Short parodies that are purposely entertaining – not to me of course but to whatever feeds on my melancholy and fears. I sometimes feel like being strapped in the front seat of a proscenium theater with a duct tape plastered on my mouth and I am forced to watch the gloomy world as it spins before and around me. Christmas is on its way and everyone should be excited but for some reason, the gloom runs around in circles toying with us – fragile kids.
I know things have not being going my way lately. I ended up dishing it out indirectly to Sam and in return I become a recipient of his own frustrations. Lashing out and behaving like a seven year old. Mostly him. He talks a lot. More than me. And when he’s mad he talks Big Words. Arrrgh.
We sorted things out slowly – or so I thought. Perhaps, still trying. [Thank God for His infinite mercy and patience on both of us.] We still manage to straighten out the small folds and regular wrinkles. Sometimes when I’m not in my elements, I tend to backtrack all the bad records of Sam, of what he had said, of what he had done. It’s a woman thing. We don’t forget. It just pisses me off more when I do that. But I am learning to move pass what hurt me and just focus on reconnecting. We both should – learn the tricks and the rules. I hope we learn from past mistakes and never try to do it again. Avoid hurting each other specially in difficult times. Or better yet, avoid hurting each other at all. In crucial times like this, you need to be a team. I don’t think you can fight the outside battles together if you’re still trying to work out your inner wars.
The good thing about dismal days like these [whether relationship, personal or corporate warfare] is that it doesn’t really prevent us from outsourcing happiness. Sometimes, if we can hardly find anything inside [not because there’s a lack of it but simply because we find it hard to root from it at the moment.] we can at least find little joys else where.
And to extract small joys from other places is just one of the most fascinating things that you can experience. Unexpectedly. Almost unknowingly. In a flick of a finger. A blink of an eye. In between glances. In between yawns and sneezes. In between hope and despair. It reconnects you to your inner happy. In one blow of a kiss. No tricks. No lies. No deception. Just pure magic at its finest. It doesn’t give you eternity or magnitude or intensity. No forevers and ever afters. No perfect days and brand new mornings. It actually doesn’t promise you anything. But it will reward you of something warm and pleasant. Even so little. Even so subtle. Even so fleeting. It’s a special gift, good enough to put in your pocket and take home to delight with and tuck you to sleep.
So my dear magical people, whatever it is you are dealing with at the moment, if you ever feel like you are trapped in a wistful, hurtful and disappointing puppetry of life’s irony and it’s unending madness and hyperbole, don’t be weary. Take your coat. Slowly. Don’t rush. Take your time. Feel this moment of gloom. It can feel warm as wool. Take a walk under the cool sharp winter’s eve and look around. Collect pieces of joy on your way. Possibilities are playful and hopeful and welcoming and childlike. They are so easy to recognize up close because they are friendly and smiling and comfortable to be with. All you have to do is get up from bed, from moping, from conversing with the most inappropriate and mischievous creatures in your head. You don’t have to bring them along with you all the time. Make space for new friends and new stories because they will sure come if you meet them half way. They might not compensate the big dreams that you’ve hoped for or lost completely, but they can walk with you and light up your path in your darkest times. And who knows, these little sparks of wonders might just lead you to something more promising…
I hope you find yours and share it with everyone. One day at a time.