I’ve been pretty distracted lately with overlapping marvels puffing out of my gray days.
I am lifting up all my gratitude above.
I guess this is life trying to tickle me because finally – I know what I want now and I want the best of it. All of it.
Sam bought me a new phone- as promised. (Yes. I am so happy). My phone was broken a few months ago so I had to endure using his old blackberry for a few months. It has a million defects but I didn’t complain because if I had to buy a new one, it has to be worth it.
Sam gets to decide all our financial spending. I let him – because I am not good with budgeting. I never really felt like I have fully lost control of my finances until a few months ago when I felt suffocated, deprived and controlled.
I behaved clumsily and even if it was against my will to hurt him, I did so. Badly. I blurted out some words that really really hit the core. Suppressed emotions are the most disruptive. They burst out without warning. And damn, they can really cut.
I am missing Sam so much. It hurts a little watching him draw a valuable distance between us. And whenever we talk about the future, he becomes elusive. I try as far as I can to be intimate and make it up to him but I guess it will have to take more time to slowly pull the tiny shards I have unconsciously thrown at him.
He also gave me a shopping allowance. I was making a fuss about not having financial freedom. So when I got this new job he made me buy the things I need to start fresh. And I like that. Not because I was able to release the starving shopaholic in me but because I finally felt understood – if not heard. It might be impossible for him to grasp how important this trivial things are because he’s a man and he was not designed to get satisfaction and comfort from a pair of shoes or a new cardigan. But I am so glad he has been very ATTENTIVE of my needs – no matter how irrational it may sound like.
This suddenly draws me down to GUILT and it has been eating me up since morning – despite of the current happy that keeps me afloat.
I think I have to – in return – be MORE ATTENTIVE of Sam. What does he want? What does he need? What does he expect from me?
Sometimes the problem lies on how we want to love them. Have we ever asked ourselves. Is this the way he or she wants to be loved? Is this what he or she needs?
I think the best way to love is to observe and listen. Learn from them. Be attentive. Let them be. Don’t just buy her strawberries. I mean- who knows? She might be dreaming of watermelons…
And don’t assume it’s your cooking that spoils his mood. He might also be starving with a great laugh and a good conversation…