So I let the drama queen slip from my cardigan pocket again the past few days. I felt troubled on how my life has been going and adding up to it was my allergy which is probably ninety five percent the cause of my sudden flare ups. Yes. In plural form. I would calm my storm for a few hours and then I would let the cyclone of anger carry me back again, drowning with deep rooted frustrations. I really don’t know what has been happening to me. I feared that my rhinitis has really gone bad affecting the way I behave.
Throwing all my qualms and ungratefulness to Sam (- who in the midst of all this has remained surprisingly composed and steady), I decided to pay a visit to a nearby doctor and he gave me prescriptions for my allergies. I’m feeling better now although I still have a tight chest and runny nose once in a while.
I was still not in good shape last night but Sam tried the best he could to quick fix me. It’s more internal than external stress. I guess the whole experience of having a comfortable life for thirty years and all of a sudden diving in to this demanding, complicated and unpredictable lifestyle with someone whose comfort level is far too different from mine is what has been making me restless and grumpy – close enough to morph me into something that even I would despise.
I reached to a point where I started wondering if I can still carry on or rather- if I still want to carry on. I got exhausted with the troubled way if living abroad away from home and the weight of being in a serious, living together relationship. I longed for a sweet escape and re-think of what I really wanted. A short vacation and retrospection. Away from these giant sparkling buildings that I truly abhor at the moment. I felt so confined with the walls of Dubai that sometimes I feel my life pressing in closing down on me.
There’s a picture perfect life on a fancy frame with lots of time for yourself, no responsibilities and obligations, independence and freedom, whatever is convenient and comfortable, and it pains me to admit, that it includes a possibility of an extravagant blissful promising future. A well lit life filled with fresh air and lots of laughter. All these were kept inside a secret box of wishful thinking. I never wanted to open them because it would hurt my relationship with Sam. It means I’m nt satisfied. It means I’m unhappy. It means I don’t appreciate the small bricks that roughed his hands and strained his muscles just to build a home for us. Maybe not the kind of home I plastered on my dreamboard but it was a home he managed to create so we can be together – safe, sound and well. But my new environment at work and the people I worked with, the friends back home, started to just alarm me. The flicker of whatever wisdom flash before me in an instant. And it gave me away. It burst open like pandora’s box with startling questions I never dared ask myself; What if I just stop right here and start over? What if I’m one of those very few woman who does not want to be married and have family? What if I just want to explore the world and travel and write novels and live one step at a time? What if I don’t want kids? Or if I ever do, do I really want to raise them here? In the confined walls of the city? And what choices do I have anyway? Am I brave enough to rule against my fears? What if I wanted something else? What if I can create a life so different from this? What if I step out of this world and find something better?
What if – at the end of this bridge, there really is a huge rainbow where all the pots of gold are waiting? And here I am stuck in a day job serving coffee to people and taking care of their business like an office nanny. Shouldn’t I be there somewhere doing something that ignites me, empowers me and gives me a sense of self-worth?
But then again, what if this is just part of a bigger picture? What if I’m just being ungrateful of the wonderful gifts that though small in size, light in weight, hazy and blurry from afar, are far genuine, more profound, more significant in nature?
What if this- right now is the real thing? And if I wait just a little bit longer… if I just look a little bit closer… I will find pieces of rainbow around me?
Sam hugged me and told me that whichever road I take, he will respect it.
I’ve been struggling inside and I don’t have to say it out loud. He knows.
Yes he has anger management problems but it’s not something he can’t handle. His soul is good as new. Always bright and shining with kindness. He just have a very bad habit of pushing people away when hurt. But you will always find him making worthy sacrifices for the people he cares about. And he’s solid rock responsible. He’s battling psoriasis and clawing his way everyday to work, to a profession way below his league. But he’s not giving up because of us.
I was so eager to find it. A huge one. Doubled if not in multiple layers. The one that will bring you high above the sky as old folks say. They bathe you in marvel. But I guess in most times, you just have to watch the reflection of it from afar and be grateful to have witness it.
Rainbows aren’t always plastered in the sky. Sometimes it’s right there scattered around us. Pieces of it that are more tangible than the ones above.
In fact, maybe if we stop and listen, we can hear the beautiful colours of our lives dripping… overflowing in grace.☆