Cyan – a very handsome young french speaking bachelor at work told me. “Hey Jen you looked so relaxed today.”
Like could there be more irony to that? I am still combating the same thoughts I had from the day this blog had started. Nothing has changed really. Still old me crying in the bathroom once in a while. (Although I have improved better now. I don’t let it spill on my office desk anymore. I keep my cool at work as much as I can.) I am still the old me reading some couple’s and relationship advice online. Still trying to question my relationship with Sam. Are we right for each other or are we so wrong we just refuse to admit it?
I am still trying my best to lift my spirits high every day, desperately trying to soar along with other people (Luckily I am surrounded by incredibly positively charged people who are so cheerful, so bubbly, so kind and so compassionate that I just walk in the office and suck whatever energies they have brought for the day. It helps.)
Sometimes though I see no point in trying to fake my life happy, because subconsciously I know there would be another jangle waiting for me; a series of small upsetting moments, chunks of clamor that would pound my peaceful walls.
The sad part is, it was usually Sam causing these hurts. (Or me. Self-inflicted I guess. After all, we are all responsible for our own miseries. Aren’t we?)
Could I be more happier without him? Or could I possibly be just as miserable with someone else? Is it me that needs some serious introspection? Well whatever that is, I really need some time off.
His temper problems is something I can’t deal with. Although he is able to manage it better now. Still he ticks fast, he snaps easy. He gets upset in minor subtle conversations. There’s no need to make things complicated but I always end up perplexed.
Like last night we were talking about buying our own flat for business. Prior to this conversation we agreed that we will take a portion of that flat to be our room and have the rest of the parts rented. But all of a sudden he said we are not living in that flat and it would be strictly for business. So I asked why a sudden change? Why can’t we move somewhere close to my workplace? I thought we agreed we will move by September?
Then he goes upset again. He said I always find ways to counter his ideas.
What?? First of, I was not informed of whatever new blueprint he has mapped in his mind. I thought I was his partner on everything. Am I not supposed to ask and wonder what made him change his mind? Am I not allowed to demand that we live in the new flat – since he knows very well it was a big deal (for me) moving to our new place which was super far from civilization? Everyday I have to endure the one and forty-five minutes drive to work crammed inside the car lift. And then going back home I had to transfer from different stations and combat the rush hour and the traffic. But I agreed to moved because I believe in his “for the greater good” reason and I respect him. I just wish sometimes I get respected the same way. I just hope sometimes I can also be heard. I just hope sometimes my opinion matters. I just hope he can be more collected, more composed, more patient with me. I listen to him and I am always subtle. As far as I know I am always in my best tone and best behavior so I expect the same from him.
I can’t seem to find my way back to Sam since that conversation. It’s not a huge thing but small things pile up bigger. I slept it off. I woke up and monotonously do whatever is expected from me. He tried to make up for it when he realized how upset I have been. But the demonstration of love and care and apologies weren’t enough to patch the cut. If we were miles apart, I would’ve just ended it by being non-responsive. This has been his idea too. He said it would’ve been easier to break it off if we were living cities apart. All of a sudden I was hoping to get transferred in Belgium. That would be awesome.
I realized how convenient our relationship was when he was in AD and I was in Dubai. We see each other on weekends. There was so much missing each other and can’t-get-enough-of-you-moments. Now it’s more like- can we get an extra room around here please?
The sad part with our set up is that we are in a foreign country and we don’t have close friends to run into if in case we want an escape or a cool off from each other’s fury. We have to brave the night, sleepless and restless and flushed in hurt and anger.
I don’t understand really why Sam and I are still together until now. Although we have significantly improved quite a lot from last year, I have to say. Improved meaning, at least now we are more “cautious’ and mindful of each other’s boundaries. We are now more familiar with each other’s flaws. The only question is, if we can really, fully embrace them.
Can he? Can I? If change and adjustments and compromise are not on the table, can we imagine ourselves living our lives like this five and ten or twenty years from now? Wouldn’t it be exhausting to bear all the differences and disappointments? Are we up for that kind of challenge? Can we endure? Wouldn’t it be more easy to find someone similar to us- who meets all our expectations? who can easily jive with our personality? who can better get along with our quirks and individuality?
The other day I went for a long walk instead of hitting the gym. Fresh air for my warm thoughts. (Is this the life I wanted? I don’t mind walking an extra mile for someone, making him happy, loving him, staying with him, supporting his endeavors, taking care of him – if I am rewarded with his best behavior, if I feel loved and cherished and appreciated but if I would have to deal with frequent flares no matter how small they seem, then I would have to pack up.
I blasted the music of Gaga and Jessie J and plugged them in my ears for company as I walked down the highway. Headlights passing me by like the very few wonderful times I had with Sam that I will always be grateful for. Those warm hugs and sweet kisses. His funny faces and witty lines. Those unending conversations we have about life and love and God and the world around us. Those pep talks on the street when I can’t seem to compose myself. (He is by the way very good at this. He always has the right words to say to someone when he’s being comforting. This is the kind of Sam I wanted. But there was also this other side of Sam that I can’t and perhaps may never be able to wrap around me.) There were many things we’ve shared together really, that made the last two years worth the fighting. But for how long? How long are we supposed to reason out to ourselves that it’s worth it? What if the happy moments are no longer sufficient? It felt like the happy times were just passing me by as I go in the opposite direction. One streetlamp after another until I reached the last one. And I still don’t want to stop from going further.
He phoned me just a few minutes ago, just checking on me and telling tidbits of stories he wasn’t able to say last night because I slept early. I went back home of course, after that. But my heart was still standing on the last streetlamp staring at the dark, wondering what was out there.
I am curious.
I am fascinated.
There was an urge to keep walking and never look back.