I still find it hard to write everything in details. This isn’t a writer’s block. It’s bigger than that, more complex, more challenging, broader and yet ironically more precise. If you had read my blogs from last year and the beginning of 2017, I often write about the struggles I have in my relationship and more of my health – which was still under the category of ‘normal’. I’ve been going to the hospital like a maniac for different reasons, mostly self-inflicted sickness. Sam (my fiance) hates the idea of me visiting the doctor’s clinic constantly. He isn’t a fan of medicines. His remedy to whatever kind of ailment is through natural resources: veggies, fruits, and exercise. But I was more mental. My sickness I knew from the start is paranoia – which I refuse to admit. At one point someone called me a – hypochondriac. I rejected the idea. Although I sounded much like it. In the middle of June, I consulted a cardiologist because I felt my heart is beating abnormal. I wanted to test if my heart is good and that nothing is wrong with me. I ran three test, even if the doctor, from the very beginning told me that he was certain I am doing fine. But for my ‘peace of mind’ I still went through it. I went home with an apparatus attached to my heart and some parts of my body to make sure that I get monitored 24/7. Results were all clear. The doctor said that I just have some minor heart rhythm problems which I don’t have to worry about. The difference in rhythm could be stress or over-thinking. He gave tablets to correct it. And since I am clearly paranoid, when friends told me not to take the meds because it will make the matters worst – since everything seems normal and it sounded like the doctor just had to prescribe a medicine just for the sake of it, I didn’t take it. (Doctors here have a bad reputation of issuing medicines even if it’s not necessary.) Everything went well after. Although I still had palpitations and so on. I knew it was acidity. I had it for years and I would take some anti-acids for it and it goes.
September was the beginning of the flicker. You know when the light bulb at your home seems to go off and needs some replacing? That’s how it felt like. I’ve had issues with Sam. We had some issues in our relationship. Unresolved ones. Something that has always been heavy but we tried patching it up because neither of us wants to give up. And then I had issues at work. Small ones. Mainly self-inflicted just like my sickness. And then my condo which I was expecting to be sold had major backslide. We were expecting a huge amount of money November. We had it all planned out for the coming year that we will purchase a flat. But everything fell off to broken pieces. The buyer had problems with his wife’s pregnancy and they backed out. In short, my tenant left and I didn’t have buyer and Sam was furious because we had to delay getting a flat for ourselves and we were Super Short again for the month. Instead of receiving the profit I invested for years, I had to send home a huge amount of money and the upcoming months of my mortgage is in limbo since I don’t have rental to cover it.
I was fine until I was not.
It happened around 6 am which was my first snooze going to work. Second snooze was at 6:30 and then again at 6:45 am. My body woke me up earlier than the alarm. It was as if to say that something was wrong. So I got up from bed and tried to figure out what I was feeling. Something was happening to me that I couldn’t explain. Was I hungry? Was I sick? Do I need to pee? No. It was something dark and heavy. I couldn’t explain it. Something was clearly WRONG. I wanted to wake up Sam but what would I tell him? I decided I’m hungry. I should feed myself. It happens. Your brain goes blank because of hunger. I ate one banana and I hydrated myself with lots of water. I went back to bed. I hugged back Sam and slept. I couldn’t. I opened my eyes and I was feeling heavy. My entire body felt strange and confused and miserable at the same time. I wanted to cry all of sudden. I don’t know what was happening . I am not okay but I don’t know what it was. I got up from the bed and ordered myself to PEE. I need to PEE or POOP. I need to DO SOMETHING. Is it acid? As soon as I reached the bathroom to pee I could already feel my heart pounding fast. It happened to me so many times before because of acidity and I was able to command myself to calm down. It didn’t work this time. This is more than acid. I was on the verge of hysteria if you call it that, simply because I don’t know what I was feeling. I stood up from the toilet, my legs were shaking. I couldn’t control my heartbeat. I started to panic. I only had one thought in mind. I had to reach to the bedroom where Sam was sound asleep and I need to tell him to get me to the hospital because something was wrong. I ran and took all the courage and energy I had back to the bedroom and woke him up. When he woke up I kept repeating myself to bring me to the hospital right away. He got up form bed but it took him a while to get going. He wants me to calm down which was absurd because I could barely breathe! He tried to straightened me up. He ordered me to calm down, relax and stay strong. I slumped on the floor feeling desperate and weak and losing breathe. I was losing it. I fought the best I could to not faint but I am falling slowly. He pulled me up and walked me to the kitchen. I managed to walk pass by our older flatmate who’s room was across ours. She was more like an aunt to me and I told her I couldn’t breathe, ‘help me’. I successfully reached the kitchen with Sam holding me in both arms and I sat down breathing heavily, deeply, desperately. Miss L (the old lady) sat across me and took my BP and pulse rate. She said it was a bit high and that my pulse rate was too fast- which was obvious. It was raging against my chest. I was helpless. She tried to massage me and calm me down just as everyone else was trying to do. Sam was there with water, holding my handbag and shawl and his wallet. I’m just so glad Sam had so much composure and he had managed to get all the things we need including my health card.
To someone who feels like drowning and chasing her breath to survival, few minutes is like an eternity. Finally, I felt ease coming through. Air became tangible as touch. My senses slowly connecting to all the stimulus. I was able to think clear now.
I was still cold and shaking and pale as paper, but I was able to breathe back to normal. It was as if someone has brought me back to shore. Someone has breathed fresh air back into my lungs. Someone has woken me up from what seemed to be a ten minute nightmare. Someone has pulled me back from the deep dark waters.
I was back to light.
Sam and I walked down to the nearest hospital which was a ten-minute walk from the flat. The sun was rising but the weather is good. There was enough sun but not too much that it hurts. It was the kind of sunlight that blends well with the cold chill of the coming winter. Fresh air engulfed us.
By the time I reached the hospital, my BP and my pulse rate were already normal.
Science has a better explanation for it. Anxiety. Stress. Fears. Depression. You can name all the negative energies in the world and they will have a medication for it.
It was hard to put on in writing because no one, not even Sam would understand. Although Sam has been nothing but a top-notch guy who tried his best efforts to comfort me and make me happy, it was not enough. I had to go through it for me to understand completely and embrace this ‘limbo’ that has all of a sudden shocked me. I was made so small and the limbo was made so big and I was scared.
I was seven again but this time motherless. Vulnerable and fragile. I was on my own. it occurred to me then that I am on my own. I have people around but this is me on top of the world and I have never felt strangely alone. No one can fight my battles, even the once who loved me so. I had to do it on my own.
But despite all these, I was slowly made humble by the experience that I am nothing without Him. I was slowly made grateful that I grew up in a happy, healthy, spiritual family who taught me to pray, to hope, to have faith and to fight the enemy. I slowly bathed myself with gratefulness and hope that despite me still struggling every now and then, I am able to remind myself that I am strong because I have a BIG GOD. My body is the temple of Christ. I was made in His flesh and His blood. The spirit of God that resides within me, His Grace and Unending Love is overflowing with mercy and power and light that no darkness can defeat because it has already been defeated.
I felt better the past few days ‘knowing’ that there is nothing I should do but to work on myself, on my happiness, on my productivity, on fighting negativity in whatever form it may appear, on doing what is good and what is just and what is right, on focusing on positive things, on being GRATEFUL AND HOPEFUL AND FAITHFUL.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “
He will never leave you with just a sparkle. He will give you his entire Light so you can shine brightly and expel darkness, clear away the gloom and pave the paths.
You and Me. We are the Light.
December 1 Daily Prompt: Sparkle