I have this Love-Hate Relationship with this blog site (just like my relationship with Sam. We fight. We make up. And then again.) So I’ve been recently trying to make up my mind whether to shut this site completely and replace it with a new one or just keep it as it is while I build the other. I’ve been wanting to post real photos that Sam and I have taken but because I felt like I have revealed so much stuff in this blog, I felt like I’m somehow jeopardizing Sam’s image, exposing him on public.
Cyan – a very handsome young french speaking bachelor at work told me. “Hey Jen you looked so relaxed today.”
Like could there be more irony to that? I am still combating the same thoughts I had from the day this blog had started. Nothing has changed really. Still old me crying in the bathroom once in a while. (Although I have improved better now. I don’t let it spill on my office desk anymore. I keep my cool at work as much as I can.) I am still the old me reading some couple’s and relationship advice online. Still trying to question my relationship with Sam. Are we right for each other or are we so wrong we just refuse to admit it?
I am still trying my best to lift my spirits high every day, desperately trying to soar along with other people (Luckily I am surrounded by incredibly positively charged people who are so cheerful, so bubbly, so kind and so compassionate that I just walk in the office and suck whatever energies they have brought for the day. It helps.)
I found out two days ago that I have (drum roll please)….
High Calories and that I went beyond the border of what is expected of my age.
I’m just in my thirties!
It’s not like a surprise to me knowing I haven’t really practiced a complete healthy lifestyle. But I was still caught off guard in the doctor’s clinic since I had been eating plenty of vegetables and fruits stuffed to me by my very health conscious fiance.
So doctor prescribed a 3 month long medicine that will hopefully lower down my cholesterol level and told me that I should change my lifestyle – with emphasis on daily exercise.
I hit the gym yesterday and I’m still dragging my ass today. Still no luck and I am still here plucking some fast words on my keyboard hoping to eventually come up to some neat blog for the day. Just to make up for the lost days when I couldn’t seem to find TIME anymore to express my thoughts. Sam won’t be able to relate to this for sure. Does he have any idea that being in a relationship most often than not compromises your freedom to write??? I will probably talk about these women issues on men (the household duties etc and the rest of the unexpressed whining and gripe that only comes out in bold figures of pissed off ladies gathered around in the kitchen or the front yard sharing and finding extremely relatable pieces. I forecast an entire long blog dedicated to this piece soon. “Kitchen Conversations.”
Going back to my new regimen, I now have the need to get at least 30 minutes work out in whichever time of day I can be available for mild cardio. I still can’t believe that I’m underweight and still have high calories. I am not fat. (Although I have a belly bulge which I want reduced.) I guess it’s a good motivation to be fit but I would prefer that it didn’t have to happen like this. But overall everything is still under control the doctor said. Well all doctors say things like these to calm their patients. Do they?
I recently found out though that well, I have not been very cautious of what I eat. For example since liver is good for Sam’s psoriasis I have been used to wolfing on some delicious fresh liver fried on garlic, onion and broccoli. And since broccoli has been part of our main dish, I thought it would be alright. It’s VEGETABLES! IT’S A BIG THING FOR ME. Cause I grew up in a non-veggie eating family. We are hardcore meat eaters!
I didn’t realise that chicken liver is a huge source of calories! Also since I’m not fat, I thought why not two fried eggs in the morning? So I’ve also been eating egg yolk like a maniac which added to whatever unwanted fats that are now hidden somewhere in my very petite frame. Palpitation! And there goes the cakes! I constantly buy chocolate cake slices as an afternoon delight while working – not to mention the extra chocolate bars under my office desk which is reserved for a really BORING office day -which is like – everyday.
I can probably give up the pork and the fast food. In fact, maybe even coffee – which is like ending a very long wild love affair.
But please not my choco! Chocolate is happiness. It is life made sweeter. It is home. It is family. Awwwwww….
Daily Prompt: Snack
I missed writing. I missed this place so much. I just want to lay my head on a large soft weave bright colored hammock by the beach and unleash the sleep deprived thoughts running around in circles for days. Hush them, calm them, sooth them, let them fall peacefully in deep sleep. Lull my babies because I am finally back home.
So as a product of my impulsiveness, wanting so bad to be productive on weekends, since not every one is privileged to get a 2 day off here in Dubai), I decided to take my creative endeavors to the next level.
I took Graphic Design classes. I’ve impulsively enrolled myself in a course which I thought would help me advance my career in Advertising, which now I realized is a long punch in the moon. There is no way I’m going to be a graphic designer with this level of enthusiasm and momentum.
So I have three major sub-courses: Photoshop, Illustrator and In-Design. After a month of no progress in Photoshop and my instructor feels like I have been easily left out by other students, he moved me to Illustrator. I kinda like it better, maybe because I can easily re-discover new things by myself but I was still far from the word progress. My level of improvement was turtle pace and my instructor is going nuts. I’m sorry but I grew up in the era of protractors and drawing compasses.
He said I panic in front of the software. He said I have to explore and understand how it behaves. If I get scared, it will be aloof and reluctant to show off its brilliance. I have to be free and childlike so it plays with me. Art by all means, I guess is intuitive. It has a heart of its own. It feels you. But despite the lectures, I always end up terrified. I wind up creating awkward shapes and ugly figures and mismatched angles. At the back of my mind, I’m like – why can’t I just write a decent short story? At least if it sound so bad in the end, I have enjoyed it and not be tormented in the process.
I have this unfinished story lying around the corner and I can’t get it out of my head. I always get distracted in class. I daydream on working on it everyday but since I already paid for this course I have to devote my extra hours on it. I had to set aside the small amount of time left for writing, hoping to assemble it soon after I complete this course.
When you start something that feels so right and true, it’s almost impossible to stop. I have the tendency to simply abandon my graphic design classes completely. And I don’t want to do that considering I paid huge money – (not to mention our money) because I am no longer single now. And any big decision and purchase I make, involves another human being who grew up in a world where wasting is a major crime – regardless of size, ounce, pound, degree or whatever unit of measurement there is. Sam will go ballistic if I don’t take this course seriously.
But the ideas kept swinging like a pendulum clock that creeps me out sometimes. It alarms me that time is running out for me to make it come to life. I remember what Elizabeth Gilbert has to say about inspiration:
“I believe that inspiration will always try it’s best to work with you – but if you are not ready or available, it may indeed choose to leave you and to search for a different human collaborator.” – Elizabeth Gilbert shared her story on how she started writing this astounding story about a woman who wound up in the Amazon jungle. It was a huge intense idea that she was so excited about. But because she had to focus on some important personal matters that time, she left her unfinished novel on her desk hoping to get back to it once she’s done fixing her private mess. But when she came back for it, the idea was gone. It went away just like that. It found a new partner in the name of Anne Patchett, who paid more attention and affection to it. It was insane when they discovered they had the same plot. The only difference is that, Anne Patchett was able to publish it because she paid attention and devoted a huge amount of time to it.
I’m not saying I have this huge Amazon Jungle story waiting to be written or that I’m afraid it will go and land into the lap of some huge best selling fiction author. Jeez. I’m just saying, I don’t want to waste the thrill, the fusion, the elation, the spark, the stimulus, all the dancing and booze in my head when I get to think of putting all the words together on paper.
“I found an unattended idea lying around, and I ran away with it.” – Liz Gilbert on Eat Pray Love- when she finally ran away with an idea and made it happen.
And yes, I want to ran away with this idea! I want to recklessly pack my suitcase and get on the next plane and fly with this brimming novel. Wherever it takes me.
My teacher waived a hand on me as I spaced out in class. “You’re the only student who’s not taking this course seriously. I don’t understand why you panic.” He said in front of the class – like I have not been embarrassed enough to expose my heinous design with everyone.
In my mind I’m like, “I’m sorry sir. I panic because this is not my toolbox. And I’m afraid I’ve exchanged my suitcase with somebody else’s. We were supposed to elope. Me – and my ravishing idea….”
So it’s partially my idea to move. Since I had that allergy issues along with my sleepless hours (which I now realised is irrelevant to us moving), we decided to find a new place to start fresh- get rid of the unwanted dust mites and noise pollution and most of all save a good damn money for rent. Of course, my decision always come from impulse. Like a seven year old kid whining for a field trip and later on once exhausted from a fun filled day of frolicking in the field, would want to go home badly. I imagine it would be better. Until after viewing some nasty flats that asked for more money than what it can offer.
Sam on the other hand, comes from a totally logical dead-serious decision. Once he made up his mind on something, it is most often than not irrevocable. Unless maybe I put all my energies into convincing him otherwise. But it would take a ton of my physical and emotional strength to reverse things. Now that I’m half hearted to move – it’s too late. Changing Sam’s mind now, would be like dismantling a bank vault without a tool box.
But the places we’ve visited so far – were totally all way below the league of our current flat. And I just can’t imagine myself relaxing peacefully on those places on a weekend. Somehow it’s just too painful in the eyes to even look at. But then again, if it’s for the greater good. Then why not? He promised it will be just a trial.
And besides we haven’t picked a place yet and we still have a few in the list.
Lately, I’m just having a totally weird attachment issues over this place. Sure, I hate the hookah palooza; the everyday torture of shisha. Sure, I don’t like the noise in the weekend or the television drama at night (why can’t everybody just plug in their goddamn earphones and be adults here?) Sure, I hate that nobody cleans the kitchen – regularly (but who does? We’re all busy and tired from work. I can totally understand.)
Another lesson of gratefulness for me. (It’s an all time favorite. I get the message repeatedly.) Just be appreciative of what you have. You never know what’s out there. You may perhaps be in a better place, better position. So just relax and be thankful.
Bottomline is, I don’t think I’m ready to move.
It’s a lot of work – since we have a LOT OF STUFF. And just the thought of traveling extra hours and the traffic and the size of the place reduced according to its price, the level of comfort and the new flatmates… couldn’t help but think…
What did I get myself into?
If I hadn’t complain, Sam wouldn’t have the slightest thought of moving.
I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
When was the last time you really had a good laugh? The kind of laughter that does not just last for a few good minutes but hours of fun, not because something funny was thrown in the air but because your spirits have been soaring high that you don’t miss an opportunity to giggle? Even short conversations from strangers makes you burst with joy. You’re a human party popper. Happiness spills naturally. You could not contain it.
When was the last time you lied down in bed and read a really good book? When was the last time you bathe in the sun and played in the water? When was the last time you felt and tasted the fresh salty breeze from the beach running its slender fingers on your hair, easing the tensions from your head down to your shoulders? When was the last time you were excited to go home to start or finish a mind-blowing creative project? When was the last time you really really slept well and just relax and wake up refreshed? When was the last time you spent some time with friends you’ve missed so much, just sharing stories non-stop til daylight. When was the last time you traveled from a different place and explored the unfamiliar corners of its blissful city? When was the last time you told yourself, this – whatever I have at the moment- is just awesome.
If you can’t remember when, then do yourself a favor and get that much needed break.
Out of desperation or delirium (I don’t know which better way to describe it), I told Sam.
“If you can’t find a decent, clean, warm and cozy place for us to stay, I will take a bed space for myself and you go find yours.”
To which he boasted like a newly recruited boy scout, “I already have a list” then flaunted me his old crumpled scratch sheet with apartment spaces phone numbers. Spaces. Not rooms. Because we could barely afford it.
I am frustrated all together with so many things lately. And I just want to resolve them in one blow. But I had to take it one step at a time.
So there’s an old guy next to our room smoking shisha every night. He would burn his charcoal in the kitchen and bring his burning ornaments in his room and start his hookah palooza.
At first it was all right because he does this in the balcony which is totally fine. But now it has become a habit of smoking inside the room next to ours while playing arabian nights music.
I mean come on! There are second hand smokers in the apartment! Does he even realize that? It never occurred to me that this may be the cause of my everyday migraine, fatigue, restlessness and runny nose. I mean who knows what triggered this condition?
But he for sure is a remarkable contributor.
We need to move and I can’t wait to vacate that place. It was by far the best place if you scrape the entire city for an affordable living space based on our salary bracket. But I can’t live like this everyday, inhaling this unsolicited chemicals!
I mean come on. My fiance is not a smoker and living a healthy lifestyle. So how did I end up living with one? I spend most times with this guy than with my fiance because Sam’s schedule is so opposite mine. Isn’t it that frustrating?
This is not acceptable!