My boss Elliot asked me to buy him bananas and chocolates for breakfast.
He gave one bar of Lindt to me. When I realized I didn’t like the flavor he gave me. (Cookies and Cream.) I went back to him and told him I want to trade.
He goes. “Hey what gives you the right to trade? Who gave you the right to trade? You keep whatever I gave you.”
I go. “First of all, a woman always has the right to change her mind. Second of all. I am a grown up woman who can make decisions for herself. I don’t need anyone’s permission. Give me the dark chocolate.”
You’ve no idea how many times Sam and I have attempted to break up. It felt like half of those two years spent together were all about that. We would sit on our bedroom once we have composed from anger and we would talk about how we would divide the money in our savings account and how we would organize the kitchenware in separate boxes and then we would contemplate on who gets to keep the cozy blanket.
Funny but true. It ain’t easy.
Much like closing this blog.
You have invested so much and that includes the future- which ironically has not taken place yet.
But then again, every time you want to give up, you think:
There is something still workable here.
I might buy my own domain soon I guess. Re-design. Re-construct. Restart.
I have this Love-Hate Relationship with this blog site (just like my relationship with Sam. We fight. We make up. And then again.) So I’ve been recently trying to make up my mind whether to shut this site completely and replace it with a new one or just keep it as it is while I build the other. I’ve been wanting to post real photos that Sam and I have taken but because I felt like I have revealed so much stuff in this blog, I felt like I’m somehow jeopardizing Sam’s image, exposing him on public.
Cyan – a very handsome young french speaking bachelor at work told me. “Hey Jen you looked so relaxed today.”
Like could there be more irony to that? I am still combating the same thoughts I had from the day this blog had started. Nothing has changed really. Still old me crying in the bathroom once in a while. (Although I have improved better now. I don’t let it spill on my office desk anymore. I keep my cool at work as much as I can.) I am still the old me reading some couple’s and relationship advice online. Still trying to question my relationship with Sam. Are we right for each other or are we so wrong we just refuse to admit it?
I am still trying my best to lift my spirits high every day, desperately trying to soar along with other people (Luckily I am surrounded by incredibly positively charged people who are so cheerful, so bubbly, so kind and so compassionate that I just walk in the office and suck whatever energies they have brought for the day. It helps.)
I found out two days ago that I have (drum roll please)….
High Calories and that I went beyond the border of what is expected of my age.
I’m just in my thirties!
It’s not like a surprise to me knowing I haven’t really practiced a complete healthy lifestyle. But I was still caught off guard in the doctor’s clinic since I had been eating plenty of vegetables and fruits stuffed to me by my very health conscious fiance.
So doctor prescribed a 3 month long medicine that will hopefully lower down my cholesterol level and told me that I should change my lifestyle – with emphasis on daily exercise.
I hit the gym yesterday and I’m still dragging my ass today. Still no luck and I am still here plucking some fast words on my keyboard hoping to eventually come up to some neat blog for the day. Just to make up for the lost days when I couldn’t seem to find TIME anymore to express my thoughts. Sam won’t be able to relate to this for sure. Does he have any idea that being in a relationship most often than not compromises your freedom to write??? I will probably talk about these women issues on men (the household duties etc and the rest of the unexpressed whining and gripe that only comes out in bold figures of pissed off ladies gathered around in the kitchen or the front yard sharing and finding extremely relatable pieces. I forecast an entire long blog dedicated to this piece soon. “Kitchen Conversations.”
Going back to my new regimen, I now have the need to get at least 30 minutes work out in whichever time of day I can be available for mild cardio. I still can’t believe that I’m underweight and still have high calories. I am not fat. (Although I have a belly bulge which I want reduced.) I guess it’s a good motivation to be fit but I would prefer that it didn’t have to happen like this. But overall everything is still under control the doctor said. Well all doctors say things like these to calm their patients. Do they?
I recently found out though that well, I have not been very cautious of what I eat. For example since liver is good for Sam’s psoriasis I have been used to wolfing on some delicious fresh liver fried on garlic, onion and broccoli. And since broccoli has been part of our main dish, I thought it would be alright. It’s VEGETABLES! IT’S A BIG THING FOR ME. Cause I grew up in a non-veggie eating family. We are hardcore meat eaters!
I didn’t realise that chicken liver is a huge source of calories! Also since I’m not fat, I thought why not two fried eggs in the morning? So I’ve also been eating egg yolk like a maniac which added to whatever unwanted fats that are now hidden somewhere in my very petite frame. Palpitation! And there goes the cakes! I constantly buy chocolate cake slices as an afternoon delight while working – not to mention the extra chocolate bars under my office desk which is reserved for a really BORING office day -which is like – everyday.
I can probably give up the pork and the fast food. In fact, maybe even coffee – which is like ending a very long wild love affair.
But please not my choco! Chocolate is happiness. It is life made sweeter. It is home. It is family. Awwwwww….